WordPress inspired me today. I was in the mood to write, but was pulling a long session of writer’s block and procrastination. Here is what WP suggested, I contemplate:
Take a line from a song that you love or connect with. Now forget the song, and turn that line into the title or inspiration for your post.
So, scroll back up and check out the title of the blog post. Does it ring a bell?
It is a line from the song, “Still” by Lionel Richie. This will likely take many of you ladies, who were teenagers during the time when his songs became popular, back to a time of real vulnerability and emotional trauma. Ah, yes, the love-sick teenage girl years.
There are many of Lionel’s songs that I’d replay for hours when my heart became broken. (and other artists as well). But this one line has forever replayed in my mind and it although it affects my heart, my mind is the one that often dwells on it.
What are these games we play? And why? Can we not be honest enough with ourselves to know the truth and honor where we are in life, in a relationship, in a difficult situation? I have seen so many deny themselves what they truly desired by trying to out think a situation or a person. Is this perhaps easier than dealing with what we truly feel?
I wonder if it is sort of internal protection that we project outward. Would we rather be hurt by the person’s grievances toward our action (game) than to have them honestly reject us? If that was perhaps what the outcome would have been in the first place. I mean we will never know, when we are busy playing games. We’ve completely changed the relationship board with this game without truth or rules. Especially when the opponent doesn’t even know the game is in play.
Quite honestly, I’m not a game player. I don’t play the jealousy game; it is a useless, no win situation. I don’t like the blame game. Or the I’ll get you before you get me scenario. I don’t/didn’t like to show anything but the reality of what is/was. But herein lies the problem. Rather than come clean with my feelings, I’m more apt to just hold them in. But then, maybe that is my game. I may not say it in so many words, but if you mean something to me, you are certainly going to see it in my actions.
It is difficult to fully express feelings that might be trampled upon. Perhaps that is why I don’t easily put them forth. But the other true reason, is I don’t want to hold anyone to reciprocating anything they don’t fully feel. And here lies the reason for many a broken heart. If we cannot allow someone to hear the words and leave them in the dark, perhaps we are setting ourselves up for undue rejection. After all, they cannot react appropriately to something they are unaware of. Especially if they can only make their move within an unfair, confusing game.
I have learned, the hard way, that actions may often speak louder than words, but more often than not, the words need to be said. I rarely play my game anymore. But when I find myself as that player, I’m more certain my next move will end the game. I’m not looking to win. I’m looking to keep dignity, self-worth, and mutual respect in both myself and my would be opponent, now only seen as an equal. And I want to know, in the end, good or bad, where we both stand.
However it is tough not to still see myself still unworthy of the love of some. And we are sometimes not afforded the luxury of time and place to readily express what the heart holds. The other hard lesson in this, is that words unspoken linger hard in the heart. Just as the song’s lyrics go on to so poignantly express:
“Those feelings we can’t put aside.”
But when we put them aside at the most critical and crucial time, that’s not only a game changer, it’s a reason to quit playing.
It’s the moment life and emotion has to be lived, not played. The heart requires and deserves it.