I’m where I want to be, writing. At least at this moment. But I’ve had very few writing moments this year. Well, per usual, I’m writing in my head daily, but it is not being penned or posted in any lasting fashion.
Life has kept me busy in other things. And, although I’ve written in the form of many a Facebook status or comments, where friends and family can read and comment, it feels so much more intimate to write here. So, much more fulfilling. A sacred vocal.
Social media has given us all a writing outlet. A way to share, show love and friendship, and to have it returned in kind. Some days it is my only source of grownup contact outside my immediate family. It provides a bit of respite from talking to and answering myself.
I like having the opportunity to go back and reread writings. To know where I was, my thinking process, to have the opportunity to understand myself more fully. Because although the means for social feedback is abundant these days, it is a more nutrimental feeding to the soul when I understand me better than others do. When I provide myself time to delve into “getting me back”. When I truly take the time to listen to the songs welling in my heart.
Because of my lack of writing, lately there is a worsening of the buzzing in my head. A confusion of the path best taken, if you will. I’m unsure what I’m supposed to be getting out of all this daily living. Perhaps writing is a part of my reason for being, my purpose. Perhaps that is wishful thinking. Perhaps I have the lyrics all wrong.
It would seem if it is part of why I’m alive, I would make it a priority. I would, in order to survive, to feel fully awake in my own life, just write. However, in many instances, I can honestly say that, left to my own devices, I’ve not chosen to move in the direction that answers to the feelings within me. Perhaps that is fear taking over. I’d like to think it isn’t a lackadaisical attitude on my part.
Today, and every day this year up to until now, I’ve been a busy wife, mom, and grandma. Busy taking care of house and home, family and more family, I’ve stepped away from me. I’ve stepped away from a few of my hopes and desires. I’m not bitter or resentful of that, I’m just finding a need to realign and readjust. I don’t want to get too lost. I need to relinquish some of the noise and compose them into words. I need to find the music in me.
I want to write anthems of life and create melodious memories.
Therefore, I’m reducing the amplitude of undesired noise and I’m amping up the heartsong.